All Too Human

There is a simple structural dynamic that dominates most human beings, and that is the avoidance of conflict. Most of us do not want to feel the emotional stress of having to confront others. Most of us do not want to confront ourselves when reality is different from what we thought it was.

Rather than address head on those things that need addressing, we develop a lifetime of compensating strategies. We make things look better than they are. We ignore facts that may be upsetting. We color the truth. We create various theories that soften the truth, and make things seem better than they are. We don’t have the conversations we may need to have, and, instead, we complain to those who are not involved and can do nothing to resolve the conflict, just to let off a little steam at a safe distance.

This is an inborn predisposition of the human condition.

In group dynamics, for example, it is common for a team of people to discuss a host of irrelevant and minor issues endlessly, until the clock has just about run out. When the time is up, and with only a few inadequate minutes to discuss the major issue that has been the elephant in the room, someone brings it up. But, alas, there isn’t time to do the topic justice, so everyone happily tables it until next time. However, by next time, new minor and irrelevant issues have filled the groups collective psyche, and the critical issue is either forgotten in a collusion of “I won’t mention it if you won’t,” or, again, someone brings it up when it’s too late to address.

None of us like conflict. Sometimes we drive our frustrations deep down inside of ourselves, to a point where it is so buried that it begins to do damage to our sense of well-being and, perhaps, even our health. “It’s not what you’re eating but what’s eating you,” is the old chestnut about ulcers.

There are two dimensions to this dynamic. The most obvious is in our ability to deal with others truthfully. The less obvious is in our relationship with ourselves. We avoid looking at areas in our lives where we may be wrong, less successful than we would like to admit, less capable than we have told ourselves, and less perfect than we try to be.

Discipline is the key

It is instinctive for us to avoid conflict. But all disciplines are counter-instinctive. They are unnatural. It is natural to avoid conflict, and it is unnatural to address it. Therefore it takes true discipline to feel the discomfort of meeting conflict head on.

Why would we develop such discipline? In other words, what could possibly motivate us to face those things that we have a natural aversion to address? There are two factors that answer this question:

• Our own higher values for truth
• Our desire to create better outcomes

To be counter-instinctive, we need to have a higher cause than the immediate avoidance of anxiety we feel. The cause must be toward a higher outcome or a deeper purpose, rather than simply to avoid discomfort. If we want to become better at a skill, we must tell ourselves the truth about the current condition. Telling ourselves the truth, warts and all, is in service of mastering the skill. Our goal drives us to greater discipline as a strategic secondary choice to our primary choice of mastery.

We are not going to feel better about the news if it happens to be less good than we expected. There isn’t any way to feel better about it, even though throughout the years many people have tried to invent various techniques to fool themselves into thinking better of a situation they actually hate. And there is no reason to feel better about it.

You feel what you feel. And, as we have said before, the avoidance strategy is designed to NOT feel the discomfort of facing some conflict or other. We can see how feelings are the centerpiece of that structure. Trying to not feel what you feel, while sometimes successful for a few minutes, will never last long. Truth has a way of rearing its ugly head, and, in some defenseless moment, you feel what was there the entire time, discomfort. If you feel uncomfortable, that’s what you will feel. The more important question is not about how you feel, but why will you take the actions you then take.

In such situations, you really only have one of two choices: to address the situation or to avoid the situation.

Short-term, everything in you shouts, IGNORE THIS THING. After all, it hurts. But, the situation will either remain the same or get worse.

Long-term, discipline based on your deeper value of truth, and higher aspiration of achieving something that matters to you, guides you to roll up your sleeves, feel whatever you feel, and, nonetheless, face the truth directly and honestly.

by Robert Fritz, 2008